Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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