I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and she was petting her beer can
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
