idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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