I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
