His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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