if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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