I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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