Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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