I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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