nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
