I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
