It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
