Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
