I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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