you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
