Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
