Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
