Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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