My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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