I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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