One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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