those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
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