You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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