My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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