This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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