just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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