I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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