Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
