Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize