I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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