i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
