I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
