so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
