I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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