Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize