Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
