I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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