What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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