I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
