i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
