you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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