Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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