Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize