who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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