I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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