he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
