my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
