someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
