in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
