I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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