Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
