Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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