Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
