I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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