you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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