My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
