hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
