My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
