I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
