When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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