he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
