I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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